You ever wish you had access to a guru? Not a religious one – enlightenment should be limited to the books on tape you listen to during your commute while you’re trying to figure out what the vanity plate ‘PPLBON’ could possibly mean. Give yourself a dinosaur sticker if you knew Jonathan Papelbon pitched for the Red Sox. Consequently, he would not be allowed to drive a rusty Camry. I’m not sure he can even spell his own name, but even he knows it’s dumb to have a vanity plate in New England that references a player who is now sucking fumes in Philadelphia. So we could all use some enlightment, but that’s not the point. The point is it would be nice to have somebody just show up one day and say “Geoff, I’ve reorganized your whole life an I actually came out with a profit of $60, 302.44. Is it OK if I just put that directly in your bank account?”
Well, that’s not going to happen. Here’s the reality. You bust your butt every day. You’re a smooth cat. Even the auditors can’t always find you. Todd, the Accounts Receivable contractor, is asking you for the same information you gave to the previous two contractors. That’s annoying, but the trade off is that Todd is the weird nephew of Ray Liotta, and you get to mention you work with him at every bad party you’ve been to. You’ve got a system at work. While it still results in flashes of heartburn and numbness some days, on the whole it’s OK. The problem is…actually we longer use the term ‘problem’ on this blog…the indirect cost of doing business this way is your personal life gets backed up. Most of the time you are divorced from life outside the office anyway. Your employer would prefer that you just paid alimony and were done with it. You’re more interested in visitation rights. The odd compromise is the Day Off Errand Run (DOER). Wow, that sounds like a program HR invented when they realized it was the end of the year and they hadn’t actually created any initiatives.
Usually there is something that predicts a DOER is on its way. Maybe you have a trip planned over the weekend to go up to Vermont and stare at trees or, simply, your shirts have become unevenly stained. There’s nothing like being ridiculed by people who have better stains than you or who have been eating granola bars for lunch for the past week. Yeah, those granola bars she got as a sample at that hippy-dippy concert she went to last weekend. The moral of the story is that your boss should come up to you and put his hand on your shoulder and say “You’ve been working real hard. We’ve all noticed it. Let’s get you a day off. How about next Tuesday, does that work?” Again reality versus fantasy. In reality you get to about 3:00 on Wednesday and you realize if you don’t see your boss about a DOER, Bernice, the hypochondriac, is going to get in there and take all the days for at least the next week. You slink in to the office. While he finishes up a phone call, your mind tries to reconcile the pencil cup on his desk that says “Even the successful know the value of an eraser” and the mousepad that has a picture of his baby daughter who is now, you know, eight. What is this, an after-school special on work-life balance issues? Well, upon hanging up he neglects to notice your head’s on all sideways. When you mention you need a day off he probably gives you a look like he’s trying to pull off the cover of a half used paint can that’s a mix of crust and liquid at the same time.
We’ll skip the rest of the conversation and assume he relents and gives you a day off even though Bernice is already slotted in for a trip to the hospital. There’s a couple slight chances during the weekend to stop what you’re doing and complete a couple errands, but that’s Tuesday stuff. One time you used a DOER and got all of your errands done plus it was during the holidays. That was a fantastic day. But that was before the kids and the dog and it wasn’t this job so there was a little more flexibility. Even NASA would struggle to figure how you’re going to make Tuesday successful. It’s really just an oil change, drycleaners, library, get a gift card for mom, buy some dogfood, go to city hall, change out a lightbulb on the back porch, and maybe buy some underwear. It really should take half a day and the other half you can spend reading a book, drinking a beer, stalking your coworkers on Facebook – whatever. You ever notice that the people you visit on your day off never visit you on their day off? That means the guy from Jiffy-Lube has time to drink two beers and chill out. Maybe he and the librarian share a nice Beet and Apple with Goat Cheese salad while they discuss their mutual love for Bukowski. Moral of the story: that’s not you.
Wednesday you’ve got work on your desk, your boss is aggravated, everybody’s asking you what you did on your magical day off (except for Bernice who has a bronchial thing). All you have to report is that you somehow came out of the DOER with more things to do than you started with and less time off to accomplish all of these tasks. Wonderful. What do you think? Does this pretty much sum it up? Anybody have some handy-dandy tips for actual success? Any epic failures out there like you went to pull weeds and got poisoned oak all over your body and upon telling your tale a thousand times the next day you were permanently nicknamed PO Boy and shunned by everyone including future interns who weren’t even there? Just checking.